Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
A bitchslap is in order.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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