I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
