please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i love accidental penises.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
