For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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