By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
