now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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