There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
