____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
