quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
