don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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