You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
