Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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