I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
