She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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