My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
