this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
