I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
