Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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