i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You took a bar mat shot.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize