It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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