I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
