I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
