I can feel you judging me through the phone.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
