The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
