Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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