I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
