We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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