Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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