I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
