I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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