life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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