I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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