I think I won the penis lottery.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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