Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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