Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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