I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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