Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
