I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
