He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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