I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
