who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
