she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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