So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize