Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
