My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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