hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Randomize