i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
