The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
So many bounce houses so little time
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
