the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
