and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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