im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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