look no pants
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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