If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
