I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
