Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
