Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
found the other keg... it's in the tree
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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