My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
