OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
