I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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