I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
