so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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