I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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