There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
